I have spent a lot of precious time in the therapist chair hashing up old memories and old hurts that still burn today. Because my life was and still is full of instability and turmoil, I skipped stages of growth essential to maturity. I so busy being scared of being discovered as an incest survivor and being reviled and rejected even more than I already was.I never had enough trust to have close friends.
I think what sucks about being a kid is that adults make decisions for you and about you with the best intentions, but fuck you up majorly. I don’t even need to give examples, we’ve all experienced it. We can relate and can write our own lists of how our parents or teachers fucked us over. I remember trying so many different things as a kid (ballet, gymnastics, the clarinet), and I remember it was the adults who let me down. They didn’t see someone with potential, they just saw a scrawny little kid that need a little more attention than they were willing to give. I was a Junior before anyone saw that artistic side of me and fostered it. Mr Strom saw my skill in photography when people still used 35mm cameras, and another teacher for a creative writing class saw my strengths in my writings.
My mom was my greatest fan, and was always telling me I should pursue a career in photo-journalism or the such. I had to be practical and work to pay the bills and get what I needed and wanted in life. But being practical has brought me where I am now, 36 years old with no job and technically homeless.
I mean I’ve made attempts at making hemp jewellery and that has gone ok. I’m still working on it. So the other day when I was in Downtown Boston I stopped in Windmill Fabrics, I was pondering whether sewing could be a skill I could master. I went in and was leafing through a pattern book and patterns on hand, when an euphoria came over me. I knew then that it was something I could do. It’s more of a matter of access to supplies and discipline.
So I guess what I am saying is, is that so many things can distract us and have us spinning in circles before we find out who we are and what purpose we serve when we are at our worst. My mom is gone. My family practically non-existent, I’ve been homeless and still scared to death to look for work. But I have a support system, a new family though not blood related, and I am grateful for them being in my life everyday. My new family have helped me to discover myself, and give me so much room to be a better person not just to others but to myself as well.